Coping with early pregnancy loss. How do you live with having a miscarriage?
I will never forget the feeling of hopelessness and utter devastation when the sonographer at our 9-week scan told us that our baby hadn’t grown, and that there was no heartbeat.
We had waited 5 years for this. I had dreamed of this very moment. We were so happy. And then the ground was pulled out from under our feet.
I’d had a miscarriage.
What they don’t tell you however is that it doesn’t always happen fast.
Our little angel wouldn’t let go.
For the next two weeks we waited, and waited. I began to wonder whether it had all been a mistake. Maybe it had started growing again?
In the end however we had to induce a miscarriage. One of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had – physically and emotionally.
And then the even longer road to recovery.
Over our 7-year fertility journey, we experienced 2 miscarriages.
At the time, I didn’t know how to deal with it or who to turn to.
It was too big for me to comprehend, so I was practical, and I pushed it down.
For those of you who are familiar with the pain I’m talking about, I am so sorry you had to experience this.
How do you cope with a miscarriage?
How do you survive early pregnancy loss?
How do you live with losing your baby?
Here are a few things I wish I had known back then, that may give you a little comfort:
This is NOT your fault. There are very few things that you can actually do yourself, that will cause a miscarriage. More often than not it’s a genetic abnormality in the embryo. There is no need to punish yourself further by blaming yourself.
You are not alone. I know it feels like the world is closing in on you and you just want to pull the blankets over your head forever. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Don’t be afraid to talk about it with someone you feel comfortable with. They may have personal experience with it too.
How you are feeling is completely valid. There is no need to minimize your feelings by telling yourself “at least it happened now”, or “I’m sure others have it worse”. What you have just been through is traumatic and devastating. It is ok to be sad, angry, scared and frustrated.
Take all the time you need to grieve and process your emotions. And that is exactly what you’re doing. You are grieving. You lost a life that was growing inside you. There is no time limit to grief. Nor will you “get over it”. I know it’s easier to pretend it didn’t happen and get back on with life, but it is important to acknowledge your grief and walk through it.
If the thought of sitting in your grief is too daunting, a good way to process it is by compartmentalising. Set aside your grief and open it up each day either through journaling (this is a great way to process your feelings), in the shower, or on a walk. Allocate time to grieve.
Accept that you may not find a reason WHY this happened. We want to know why? We search high and low for a reason why this happened to us. We can drive ourselves crazy going back over every little thing we did. You did nothing to deserve this – release the guilt and the need for an answer. Sometimes shit things happen to good people.
It is so easy to feel let down by your body. But it did the right thing. Instead of hating your body, love it for all it did right.
Be gentle with your body. It has experienced a lot of trauma and lost a lot of blood. Eat hearty meals rich in iron.
Fresh air helps. Get outdoors, even if its in your back yard to soak up the sunshine.
Miscarriage and early pregnancy loss are not something we would wish on our worst enemy.
Our miscarriages gave me a little hope however. That all was not lost, and that I could get off the starting line. It also showed me how brave and strong I was.
I know it doesn’t feel like it at the time, but you will get through this.
Sending you all a little love.
If you'd like to chat a little more, feel free to email me here.
I talk a little more about miscarriage in my YouTube video below.