Handling the anxiety of pregnancy after miscarriage

I thought pregnancy was a cure for infertility. Turns out I was wrong.

Some of you will think I’ve gone crazy.

Others will be nodding in agreeance.

We all think that if we can just fall pregnant, it will release us from the sadness that consumes our every waking thought.

And yes, achieving a positive pregnancy test does. But what we don’t realise is that the sadness is replaced with anxiety like you’ve never experienced before.

If you have struggled to fall pregnant, or have suffered from a miscarriage or early pregnancy loss, once you actually fall pregnant there is a shift.

And it’s one that we are never prepared for.

I receive messages all the time from women who think there is something wrong with them after they finally fall pregnant. Why can’t they be truly happy after they get what they’ve always wanted? Are they being ungrateful? Or worse, are they crazy?

In my experience both personally after my miscarriages, and from the women I coach, there is usually a week’s grace between receiving the amazing news that you’re pregnant, and when it starts to go downhill. You are happier than you have ever been before, you start to dream again, and plan and feel an intense amount of love and joy that you haven’t experienced in a really long time.

Then it hits home. Reality. The doubts. The questions. The FEAR.

Firstly, it is completely normal to be scared.

You have been through so much already. If you don’t know why you miscarried, you carry the fear because you don’t know how to prevent it. And the innocence of a normal pregnancy has been stolen from you. You know how hard it is to achieve a pregnancy and keep a pregnancy. Your perspective has changed.

It can lead to feelings of jealousy toward others who are pregnant or announce their pregnancy. You crave the normal feelings that they experience. The joy without having to be afraid that it’s going to end in pain and suffering again.

You’re angry that you have to suffer for 9 months like this. Where you over analyse every cramp, check the toilet paper every time you go to the toilet, and miss out on the magic that you and your future baby deserve.

You’re feeling guilty because others would kill to be in your position.

You may also be worried that this pregnancy may mean that you and your loved ones will forget about your previous babies that never had a chance. All of a sudden people are saying that you’re going to be a mum, and instead of feeling happy, you feel sad because, in your heart, you are already a mum. And you don’t want to betray your babies that came before.

I hear you. Your feelings and your fears are completely valid. Give yourself a little grace. Be kind to yourself and stop being so hard on yourself.

So how do you still enjoy all the aspects of pregnancy without getting swallowed up by fear?

Here are some tips on how you can keep the level of anxiety and other emotions at a manageable level when you finally fall pregnant.

As soon as you start to feel the fears bubble up to the surface, acknowledge them. Write them down. See them and be conscious of them. For every fear you write down, create a counter-argument or affirmation. i.e. what if I have a miscarriage again? Vs What if I stay pregnant / I trust that my baby will know what to do / I am doing everything to ensure this one sticks / I know I will survive anything that comes my way / This is my baby and they are sticking around / I will not be a statistic / This is my happily ever after.

Whatever feels comfortable for you. As long as it doesn’t trigger your bullsh*t button – you need to believe what you’re saying. Every time that fear comes up, you’re going to see it and then replace it with your affirmation. It may take a while, but eventually, it will become natural to replace the thought.

If you’re feeling angry at an insensitive comment or if you see a pregnancy announcement and still get triggered, that’s ok. As soon as you feel the emotion come up, pause. Take 3 deep breaths and imagine your baby growing inside your belly. Feel love and the need to protect your baby. Internalise and shut the unhelpful emotion out.

Then when you’re in a calmer state, perhaps before you go to bed that night, grab out your journal and write down exactly why you felt that emotion. Keep asking yourself why. Eventually, you may uncover what is really bothering you. Then you can rationalise it and once again develop a counter-affirmation.

Having a normal amount of anxiety during your pregnancy after miscarriage / pregnancy loss or after trying to conceive for so long is expected.

But you don’t have to live there or be consumed by it.

You deserve to be happy and to have a beautiful pregnancy experience.

If you’d like some extra support on your journey, feel free to email me.

I speak about this a little more in my YouTube video below.