SEX AND FERTILITY – why won't he have sex with me?
I’m going to be completely honest.
Infertility ruined my sex life.
When you decide to have a baby, you imagine the passionate love-making as you create a life.
But it doesn’t always happen like that.
After the first few months, it became a chore. Like I was telling my husband to take the trash out.
As soon as the romance goes out the window, that’s when it all goes downhill.
He can’t perform, or he starts resisting. We basically have to beg him to have sex with us.
And then we worry that it's all because of us. Perhaps he doesn’t love me anymore? Maybe he doesn’t find me attractive. Does he not really want kids?
But we don’t talk about it, because we’re too hurt. After each failed attempt we just roll over and quietly cry into our pillow, knowing that we missed our fertile window and another month has passed.
We go into this process, never imagining that the sex is going to be the hard part, or that having sex regularly is going to make it stressful on our relationship.
But here we find ourselves shaking our heads thinking, I never thought making a baby would have been so tough.
Now that our fertility journey is over, I have asked my husband for the truth. Why didn’t he want to have sex? Why was it such a struggle for us?
Here is why he’s resisting -
Firstly, it’s not YOU. I mean it. He wanted to have sex with you before you started trying to have a baby, and he still does. Our first instinct is to blame ourselves, which goes into our self-limiting beliefs and our own insecurities. I had been cheated on in a previous relationship, so a rejection for sex with my husband, brought up a whole lot of self-doubt I’d been holding onto.
Scheduling sex is awkward. You never put it on your calendar before, so when it starts being put up there like a chore, that’s what it becomes. Something that needs to be ticked off your to-do list. Like taking out the trash. And that’s where the romance starts getting sucked out.
Performance pressure. Every single month he can see the sadness when you’re not pregnant, so every single time you want sex he feels a huge amount of pressure to make this time “the one”. Men are the fixers and want to make everything ok and when they can’t, it really starts to get to them. And just like stress affecting your ability to conceive, it affects their ability to perform.
Hello Foreplay? I remember on many occasions, telling my husband that this was our window and we had to have sex. I would practically march him to the bedroom. There was zero spontaneity. And foreplay? Well, it was approached with all the romance of a wet blanket. No wonder it wasn’t fun!! The goal was a baby, not an orgasm or fun. And while we can have sex without being turned on, unfortunately our partner can’t.
Now you know why, how do you keep up the intimacy and good sex while trying to fall pregnant?
How do we keep the fertility process fun, and not feel like a chore?
Here are some tips for you –
I know it may be a little awkward, but talking about how you feel in relation to sex and the struggles each of you are having (but in a non-confrontational way) will definitely help. I wish I had spoken to my husband at the time so I knew what he was going through also.
There are two schools of thought here – tell him that it’s your ovulation window, or not. Find out which he’d prefer. If he doesn’t want to know, just make a move without telling him. Don’t mention ovulation, periods, cycles, and pretend that this is just a normal sexual encounter.
If he’d prefer to know, let him know subtly rather than “it’s go time!!”. Perhaps draw a heart in lipstick on your bathroom mirror to let him know that he can make a move or initiate sex in the next day or so. That way the ball is in his court and he doesn’t feel pushed around.
Every time you have sex, make the goal an orgasm for both of you, not a baby. Maybe then you’ll both be in to it. If you’re aiming for an orgasm too, you’ll both put in the effort.
If you’re normally morning sex people, don’t change. Vice versa – if you’re a night sex couple, do it then. Putting extra pressure on yourselves to do it right there and then if you don’t have time or are tired, will only increase the stress levels.
Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to go at it like rabbits. Every second day in the 5 days prior to ovulation and 2 days afterward.
Be patient and try not to let him see your frustration over sex. Encourage him with no judgement. Our men have fragile egos.
Give yourselves a month or two off to reconnect in a more normal and natural way. Sometimes you just need a mental break from trying to conceive (ttc). Go away for the weekend and relax together without the pressure of sex.
Mix things up to keep it exciting – try the car / beach / jazz it up with foreplay or toys.
Most of all, this isn’t just you. We all go through the struggle.
Now go and get out there and reclaim the intimacy in your relationship!!
If you’d like to hear a little more about how to maintain intimacy when struggling to conceive, check out my interview with Dr Morgan Francis on my YouTube channel.